Boys Need Challenging Competition To Become Confident, Skilled, Caring, and Courageous Men!
Posted: Monday, January 04, 2010
by Rob Neal
The Guiding Institute
Two ten year old boys show up for their first Soccer tryouts. Both feel nervous but excited. The parent of one says, “give it your best shot and have fun." The other parent says, “you don’t have to do this if you don’t want to. It can feel scary." Which of these statements is best for the boys?
An increasing number of boys are doing poorly in school and failing to mature in a positive way. More men are losing self-confidence and their passion for competing and achieving. While the top performing ten to twenty percent of boys and men are doing just fine the growing number of underachieving males forces schools, businesses, the military, and others to lower their standards and expectations for boys and men. What happened?
Tens of thousands of years of human development cannot be swept aside to fit the “anti-competition" PC agenda. It’s a mushy, idealistic approach to child development and education that seems disconnected from reality. Today boys learn more about fairness and fun than how to compete successfully. Yes, fairness and fun are important lessons in life, but can be taught very well during intense competition. Plus nearly every aspect of life involves some degree of competition with other people, communities, teams, governments, or businesses and will never go away.
All of the politically correct worries about fairness, over the top fears about scuffing up knees, or hurting someone’s feelings frustrate boys and do them a disservice by lowering standards for achieving. We’re taking away the proving grounds for learning how to be strong men. Our nation’s global business competitors and terrorist enemies are licking their chops.
Growing up I had many opportunities to compete in the classroom, playing sports or music, and having adventures with my friends and family. I learned from my successes and my failures. Once at age eleven I was about to bat for my Little League team in the last inning with two outs. The adrenalin came rushing into my body, my mind focused, and I felt nervous but ready. The game ended suddenly, however, because the batter before me stuck out. I was stunned, my chance to be the hero lost. I wanted to smack something to release my frustration. That’s how many boys and men feel today even if they don’t know why. Luckily I had a Coach who kept providing opportunities to prove myself under pressure.
When boys and men don’t get these competitive chances we tend to take out our disappointment, anger, and shame on others. As a result, far too many of us become bullies, abusers, gang bangers, criminals, corrupt politicians, or greedy corporate clones. Others become slackers, under-achievers, indecisive, increasingly numb to life, and focused on video games and fantasy sports. Some become arrogant and ideologically rigid, clueless about life beyond a small circle of friends, and thus better at judging than understanding other people. Many of us hide our true thoughts and feelings for fear of being viewed as politically incorrect and suffering a negative consequence in the workplace.
I also lucked out having a father with a confident and caring manner. Like so many of his generation he’d been tested at a much higher level during World War II. He passed this test and was fortunate to stay alive. I’m not recommending war for anyone, but as boys we need intense competition where we might succeed or fail, our limits will be pushed, and we experience the fundamental building blocks for reaching our potential as men. We can also learn about collaboration, being a team player, valuing diversity, and caring about other people and causes greater than ourselves, but not at the expense of developing strong, confident, skilled, and courageous men.
Parents, teachers, coaches, psychologists, politicians, and other adults involved in the lives of boys need to understand why we want to be the batter at the plate with a chance to win the game, or the person who designs the best cars or innovative software programs, solves complex problems in math or science, or makes important decisions in business, the military, or government. We can only develop the skills and confidence to do these things through intense, challenging competition.
Rob Neal of Yarmouth, Maine has counseled, trained, coached, and mentored boys, families, and individual men for over thirty five years in a variety of community and business settings across the country. He is married and the father of two sons and one daughter. Contact Rob at www.buildingwholemen.com
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